I have been unfaithful, but He has always been faithful to me.
In that past few months I have felt like I have been in the urgent care unit - being taken back and forth between the care unit and the surgery ward... as God has been performing open heart surgery... I prayed for a new heart... He is answering me. As I have been wrestling, He has been working. A couple weeks ago I threw an absolutely terrifying fit... kinda embarrassing to think about, but it was needed because I was angry... really angry and needed to reveal my true heart - so that I could honestly see the ugliness deep within. I was mad - not necessarily at God, but angry at unmet expectations and unfulfilled dreams - things I thought I deserved and needed... (Do I dare say it????) Things I thought God owed me because of how I have lived... as though all of my selfish pursuits of righteousness are treasures to a Holy God... I shutter to think!!!!! In all this I am beginning to see that I desire God's blessings more than I desire HIM! I was quick to tell Him - I would do whatever He asked and go anywhere He wanted BUT "this". Anything but "this".... He gently asked me, "What if I want you to do "this"?" I didn't even know how to respond... hence the fit - I threw! "How could You ask that!??" I responded! Don't you know "this" doesn't line up with my dreams, thoughts, and expectations??? His warm, kind and gentle silence resonated in my mind as I realized that I was worshiping me... not Him. I was trying to control situations... trying to control God. Ever since I realized this - I have been lost in thought, surrender and PEACE! Now... I can do "this" - if that is what God asks me, because I have come back to reality and I realize that I have nothing without God... absolutely nothing. It has been a humbling first month of the year, but I wouldn't have it any other way... I desire Him... and all I want is to desire Him more!
"Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward You will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:23-26)